My brain is starting to think like a Vonnegut novel.
My last thought went something along the lines of this:

"And these were all just tragic events, things that could have turned out better, but in the end came out just like that. And that, was that."

At least that's how I interpret Galapagos. Things that happened for really no reason at all but nevertheless remains the fact that they did and they changed everything.

Or maybe that's the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy interpretation. But those go a little bit more along the lines of "And the ridiculous probability of this made it nearly impossible, but of course by pure luck and chance it happened."

Adams tries a more humorous approach to the end of man that lightens up the whole thing while Vonnegut merely states well.. that is that, why think anything more of it except as to what it caused next.

But of course, according to Vonnegut, our "big brains" are way too big to be able to simply grasp that and move on, we most always ask questions. But according to Adams, we could simply be replaced by a robot that says "What?" all the time and it would essentially be the same thing. And of course the ultimate answer is 42.. to what question, maybe if I finish this five-part trilogy (The cashier at Border's told me that one, laugh awkwardly please... as I did) I'll find out, but I don't suspect I will. I suspect that it's not really very important.


Anyways, in the past week of part 2 of beach vacation I have done a lot of psychoanalysis, because when you're at the beach with your family who is driving you insane all you can do is tune them out and think about yourself. I have done nothing with the past two years of my life, and while it was all good and fun I think it's about time I did something. Something productive to get me to graduation day and beyond. So I'll start by keeping busy. I will try to not have lazy afternoons. Mornings and nights, okay. But 2pm naps and waking up to do nothing but eat and then go back to sleep are simply unacceptable.

I will get at least one job, if not two. Just for this semester. In my PR class I will make beautiful writing samples to put in my resume/portfolio and I will begin applying to wonderful PR internships for Spring. I will hopefully still keep one job, while working at my internship for Spring. I will spend summer in Spain.

I will get part time jobs and finish all my credits senior year. I will graduate that Spring. If I do NOT have a professional job (no matter how boring or unrelated it may be to what I truly want to do I will sacrifice my soul for however long it takes) lined up for me at graduation I will intern at a major record label, communications corporation (Music-related), or promotions agency (music-related) and rely on my parents to help me out this ONE year outside of college. If none of this works out I will find some way to be dependent upon myself, make my own money, and save it. No matter what I will save.

And when I have enough I will open my own mini-corporation.. thing. Housed underneath it will be a small marketing/adv. creative team, a small promotions/booking agency, a small management agency, and a small indie label. All of this will begin likely smooshed into one. A label that is all inclusive to their band, they take care of them, they take care of everything. We figure out what is the best way to get this band to the people that want them, and how to make them really want them. But you won't have to be a band to notice the way we do our advertising, if you happen to like our marketing strategies we'll work out something with you.

I've got a name for the overall whatever it is, which will hopefully become a corporation.
I've got a name for the label.

But as we all know, you've got to have a plan. I already know that I'm going to need someone to partner with for the music side of all this. I can handle the communications, but a label I'm not so sure if I'm familiar with how to run. But I do not want to out-source, I want it to all be in-house family type atmosphere. That's what we'll be. We'll be one big ass crazy family. But that's just one step in a million gazillion and it will be my job over the next two years to figure out what all those steps are and over the next 4-5 years of working/saving to figure out how exactly to put all those steps into action.

I'm not turning over a new leaf.
I'm not starting over.
I'm continuing.
Maybe I had to sit on my ass for two years to realize that it doesn't really get you anywhere. Especially after the busy-body I was in high school I think I needed a break. If I hadn't taken a break I'd probably be burnt out now, doing nothing the last two years of college. And that obviously isn't the best idea.

And all throughout this psycho analysis I realized that I have been a complete idiot, and utterly pathetic with my whole guy situation. So I am throwing the possibility of men as anything more than friends completely out of the window for the time being. Unless they show true genuine active interest in me that I can decipher as different from the rest, then I am not wasting my time playing mind games that belittle me and strengthen their already too large egos. How foolish I was to believe that if I tried to impress them just as nearly as they impressed me, without nearly having to try, that someday that wit and insults that flirt would turn into something.

And to know I am such a pathetic pawn makes it even more ridiculously pathetic. If a guy turns out to be genuinely interested in me, it turns me off. How can a guy so ridiculously impressive turn out to like a pathetic girl like me? He certainly deserves better than crazy, bitch-when-drunk, foolishly embarassing me. If he does like me than he certainly isn't who I thought he was. And then suddenly like a switch the attraction is gone.

---

*Side note ^ Not that I believe that about myself. I am kind of pathetic, but not to the point that I am ashamed of it. I am proud of the person I am, and I have found all of the crazy stupid shit I do absolutely hilarious. I am extremely self-confident in the case that I really don't care about what I've done. The past is the past, I move on. I've got so much other shit to be thankful for than to wallow in self-pity at being stupid. I'm allowed to be stupid. Stupid is fun. Why do you think so many people drink? It gives us an excuse to be awesomely stupid. But when it comes to guys my brain is on an entirely different crazy world and this is what I've reasoned as to why it does what it does.

---

In any case I like guys who I believe are too good for me, and if they deem me good enough for them then obviously they aren't too good for me.

Which is the most backward ass logic ever and why I am throwing the lot of it into the garbage and tossing male attraction in along with it until some guy is willing to get through the trash and make it right. Until then I am determined to stop digging through my own dirty mess and leave it the fuck along.

Which sounds perfectly alright with me.

So this is my life right now.

I have laughed so much today it's ridiculous. It's now 3:15 a.m. but I'm still on central time so it only feels like 2 a.m. I got a call this morning about five points flooding, a guy kayaking, and how Sarah should have had a shark mounted on her car. It would have been so appropriate. I am still laughing about that.

I spent the day in the car with my family, laughing, fighting, listening to my iPod. Jurassic5 came on and this little (for lack of better word) gem popped up into my head. "Jurassic 5 sucks, and if that turns you off, fuck you." I laughed to myself for ten minutes. Maybe it's not that funny.... but it's just so angry, over something so ridiculous. Ah, well, it certainly amused me at the time.

Sowjanya's home and while that didn't make me laugh, it made me extremely happy. I missed her so much, and I'm glad she's back on this side of the planet and now less than 7 minutes away from me. As opposed to a million hours and who knows how many miles. She did however kill her phone somehow trying to charge it India, so that it is somewhat of an amusing fact.

Sandy called and it was had the most hilarious chat, making fun of emo people, emily's statement of "that's a lonely party" was extremely hilarious said aloud, mostly because it wasn't the reply one sort of expects in that certain conversation but alas maybe you just had to be there. "maybe I'll send my kid over to the U.S. and he'll come back three times as big!" .. Oh boy. .. White hangers.. ..... Hahahahaha.

And so there were other moments of laughter but those were the ones I remember most clearly and I should really head to bed soon. I guess I should get on that. I'm sorry this was quite a long post and I updated on basically nothing except for today and my recent psychonalysis upon myself. And some sort of weird Vonnegut/Adams tidbit at the beginning.. excuse that. I believe if I have anything interesting to say about my vacations I shall let you know, but in the meantime this post has included what has been most interesting of all.

Good night.

but mostly, Good morning.