i'm sipping coffee at a quarter of two.

awake and i'm dialing and my mind's running to you..

I was about to go to bed, I even turned off my laptop already.. then the thoughts started running through.

I know I shouldn't worry, and I know that they would be pretty wierded out about how much I think of them, but I feel like these thoughts are much more worthy of time then anything else. I don't know, maybe I should think about it less, but it's hard. It's really hard.. to not care.

I just don't know how they've dealt with it. I mean when it comes down to it, you just have to, but me.. I'd be in a million pieces right now. I guess as life goes on it's something you've got to get used to, but it's too soon. It's just way too soon.

I guess I just started thinking about.. how you would spend the next three years... every single one of those days imagining what it would have been like with him still there. He was supposed to be, but he's not. You're always going to have this one person that was always supposed to be there, but he's not.. he's missing, and it sucks. And you know what it would have been like, and you know how much fun he would have been, and you know that he would always mean so much to all of you, and his absence just.. plain sucks.

I started thinking about their kids.. when they got to high school and started asking their parents about their college experiences, and their first year of college. How do you go back to that year and not think about it, and you can't avoid it. You can't describe that year without including that tragic moment. That one day when everything got turned around, and what you never ever really thought could ever happen did. How do you tell your kids that you lost your best friend and your roommate, the boy you've been tight with since who knows how long, after two months of being in college. You're out of your house, freedom, just chillin having the fuckin time of your life and then this happens. And fuck me if these weren't/aren't the tightest group of guys I've ever seen in my life. I've never seen a group of boys that hung out together that much.

I just can't help but care, and I wish so badly that there was something I could do something I could say, someway I could just be there for them. But they're boys, so emotion isn't so public with them. They'd never ever show if they were fragile to me, they might to those they're close to, but me .. hell no. And I wouldn't expect them to, I don't know them, they don't know me. I tried to forge a semi-friendship, and I got a few laughs here and there but it never really turned into anything. We know each other's names, but other than that I'm just his neighbor.. or former neighbor anyways. They're just the boys to me, that I crash their parties from time to time, because poophead tells me to get wasted, but ONCE I did get invited haha.

I guess I just remember when things weren't so I don't give a shit, let's get fucked up with them. When they went home every weekend, when he spent nights in his room alone, and music wasn't playing. When I knew our hugs were for a reason, he was still crumbling and I was a disaster for a long time. We needed that. I noticed those things and I hope he's better, and I think he is, but I don't think he's the same. I didn't know him that well in the beginning so I don't know if he's really changed, but it seems like it.

Fuck it, I shouldn't be thinking of them so much, like it's ridiculous. I'm extremely confident that I don't cross their minds at least once a day, but I just can't help it. I just hope they're okay, and I pray that we all make it through this hell of a life somehow.