round and round, we go up and down.

This day has been completely topsy turvy, full of ups, downs, highs, lows, and etc.


Up #1:
I slept in till about 11:15 or so [I was supposed to go to church that morning, but at 10 when my phone rudely awakened me I decided not to.]


Down #1:
My dad had to recheck my engine since he finished fixing it so late yesterday and couldn't properly see if everything was okay. So I had to head back home, and that thirty minute drive is just something that can either be amazing, mind clearing, or absoloutely dreadful. Today it was absoloutely dreadful, both to and back. I don't know if it was something to do with the Across the Universe soundtrack that was playing, but I got in the car started driving and five minutes later I was crying. I wasn't really prepared for it to happen. Usually I can feel a good cry coming on, but today it was just a complete surprise, and those are not the kind of surprises I tend to enjoy. Most of you, although I'm sure I haven't gathered an audience to this blog at all, but those who do read probably know what the probable catalyst to my moment of weakness was. I had two months to adjust to his missing presence, after two months of seeing him daily. At least once every day he would pass by the room and say something to make me laugh. And the two months when that was gone I was sad and adjusting and I got used to it. I got used to being here in this hall. Then I went home for a month, and I came back here and I'm just not used to it at all. I miss him, I miss that once a day stop by to say something about my room, about me, about something stupid to make me yell at him while simultaneously laughing. It just hit while I was driving, how much I missed that. I'm not sure what to expect from this semester, but hopefully these kind of thoughts won't come to me all the time. I know I can't change anything and there's no point in wishing that we had the semester I envision if he was still here, because it's not going to happen no matter how much I or anyone else want it to. I miss him though, and I am weak. I didn't know him that well but for some unknown reason (possibly because I'm crazy) it still hurts so much because he was here one night watching the game with us making me laugh and the next morning I was in the middle of chaos and I didn't know what the hell was going on and he never made me laugh again. Only in memories.. only in memories. So yes, a pretty big down and it happened twice, which is as we all know lovely.



Up #2:
My mother and I were waiting for my father to finish fixing my car and we had a pretty decent conversation about things that were going on in my life and I feel like my parents are finally recognizing me as more an adult, or at least more on their level. It seems like they're able to relate to me more, and I like it. I haven't had a tantrum throwing, lots of crying, stupid arguments fight with them in a long time. Maybe I am growing up.



Down #2:
My friend called me pretty distressed and things are just not going well with her family. I think this may have been one of the first times I was at a loss for what to really say. I want her to believe in the ideals of family, because mine is so strong, but I don't want to rub it in her face that my family is "perfect." It's not, no family is, but compared to the standards of the present generation it's pretty darn good. I don't realize that as often as I should. I wanted to help her so badly, but within a family it just depends on how strong the bond, and how willing, and how much the love is worth. It on the shoulders of every single person to make it work. All I could really say is all you can do is hope for the best. I'm hoping for the best as well, I hope it all works out for them. I understand where she's coming from, they might not be the best at being a good family, but in the end they're still family and it's not something you want to see go down the drain, ever.

Up #3:
I came back upstairs and it smelled like shiiiiiit, but this is an up because the reason why is hilarious. The boys next door are back and they crack me up :) One of them thought it'd be a good idea to unplug the fridge before break without you know.. cleaning it out or leaving the door open. Yes, intelligent. So one of them officially moved in today which made me happy to know for sure a stranger wouldn't be living next door, and eventually cleaned the fridge. ... After he put up his Bob Marley poster, you know the essentials before the mold killed us all. The smell is gone and that is super exciting and I'm glad they are back and making me laugh again.

I think I'm done with the downs, which is a good thing and the rest of the day is full of ups. Which is probably why I'm in such a good mood at the moment. It was full of laughter, tons of stupid moments (essential in my life), and of course a good 30 second rave. I'm glad everyone is back and I'm back in the groove, we all are. I'm dreading starting class tomorrow, especially on crutches, but we're all not looking forward to it so we'll all be miserable together I guess. My roomie is already professing her hatred for academics, but then again she chose her hell when she picked her major, and she knows it haha.

Now for the part that really gets down to business. Next item on the bucket list? Singing in front of a crowd by myself. Not a huge crowd or anything, just in public in front of people. Why? I'm not sure. I love to sing, but I'm pretty content with singing loud and out of key in my car alone. I don't know, I think I'd be really proud of myself if I was brave enough to not care what everyone thought of me. I'm glad I've started creating this, it's really gotten me thinking. At the least it's something else to think about than what my mind usually drifts to.

I guess I've pretty much run out of things to say, along with the fact that I should get to bed as I have class tomorrow, which as I have already pointed out is not something I will happily awaken for. I leave you with something I wrote somewhat recently.

in the presence of silence.
the bass shakes the ground.
and the beat clouds me.
clouds my senses.
clouds my judge-
mentally i am lost
and it is good.
it is all good.