here we go again.

After a day void of thought, the thoughts come pouring back in. That didn't last long. I should have expected it. Here I am crumbling because I am tired, just plain tired. Of everything. Of crutches, of people, of it. And then I think I'll be okay as long as I don't think and I just rest, I guess. But here come these thoughts. I could've used these thoughts earlier when I was bored as shit. Okay, maybe not. I could never use these thoughts. I just feel trapped now, because I can't go on my normal walk, and I have nowhere to hide. I need that retarded hug more than ever. Today would be the day I didn't get it. I guess I kind of asked for it, considering all I said today is that I never wanted a hug again. Blech. I just want to crawl underneath my desk and hide. Really, really badly. I know better not to. I'm just tired, too weak to handle these thoughts. Way too weak. Here's to hoping that I can go back to thinking about what to think about.

edit 12:59.

It snowed for a little bit. I went outside and got lost in the flurries of white. It was pure. It was amazing. It gave me that feel good feeling. That didn't last long. I came upstairs and twisted the tapestry up. I put my head to the window and stared. I watched the snow come down, and I watched it land. I shouldn't have looked down. I shouldn't have looked out of the window at all. Thoughts flooded back in, and the tears fell. I thought they were all out since that drive, but apparently there's still more.

My friend im'd me and informed me of some things that pissed me the hell off. One of my good guy friends from h.s. is/was a big time pothead. During high school we never had a problem hanging out, I mean I guess we always hung out at school or work so he couldn't really smoke there so it was never that big of an issue. Once he came up here to hang out last semester, and I thought that would happen more often. Anyways, so I randomly called him today just to check up on him because I hadn't talked to him a really long time. I get to finding out that he no longer lives in the dorms, and his parents are no longer helping pay for college, and he made less than great grades last semester. So I let him know that I really hope he does better this semester, and I will do anything to help him if he needs it, and he knows that I care and really want him to succeed. We've had a lot of good times and I considered him a good friend, and I hoped he would consider me the same. Apparently not. My friend was at my dorm with me and he came to pick her up. I haven't seen him in a long time, so I really did kind of want to see him and just catch up a little bit. He told her that the only way I could come hang out with them is if I smoked. Let me tell you my response, Helllll Nahhh. I mean I knew he was kind of kidding/kind of not. I didn't really mind considering he had a friend with him that he didn't even inform us of his name or anything, so I didn't really want to get in an awkward hang out thing anyways. Plus I'm on crutches and it was damn cold, sooo yeah. I thought though he would come into the lobby and say hey. Pshhhh. I should have expected that, but he is constantly meeting my expectations, NEVER exceeding them. Which, by the way, is really fucking retarded. The only time he has ever surprised me was when he called me on my birthday, and wished me a happy birthday. That was really sweet of him, considering I still have no idea how he knew it was my birthday. Apparently though, he did get out of the car to find my friend and when he found her she told him we could go into the lobby and say hey, he stated that he was not going to chill with me unless I smoked. Period. Then, THEN, he asked her why I was mad at him. First of all how did he figure that I was mad at him, since I hadn't talked to him since our conversation earlier that day about his grades and what not. Did he think I was mad at him because I DIDN'T go smoke with him? I guess I wouldn't be mad at him if I did go smoke because he peer pressured me into it and basically put rules to our friendship. Yeah.. NO. He knows I don't smoke, and he knows I don't have a problem with it, and he knows all of this yet he still pulls this shit. Honestly, he's been trying for going on two years now has he really not learned that I'm not going to give in. I honestly hope he doesn't think I'm so fickle to stand by what I believe in for so long and then just change my mind. Like he'll always be one of my good friends, it's just that this shit gets old, and I'm pretty pissed off that he hasn't hung out with me in so long and he put limitations on how we could hang out. You'd think if you know I am the good friend I thought he considered me that he would do his best to try and hang out with me, but I guess not. I know I probably shouldn't consider him a good friend since he basically demanded I go against my own beliefs but, I don't care if this is sad to say, but honestly, I'm just used to it. I guess I really shouldn't be ranting about this because it happens all the fucking time.

I am just SO tired of having to explain myself every damn time, why can't people just accept that I don't smoke and I don't drink. I just don't. And really, I don't give a flying fuck if you do. In all honesty I think it really does help some people sometimes in different situations. A lot of people abuse it, but it's their life, their choices, if they suffer the consequences, then they suffer. Why don't I smoke or drink? There are a lot of reasons.
1. It's just how I was raised. I was raised to be a good innocent girl, and I kind of stuck to it. I never felt the need to rebel that way.
2. I'm already reasonably mentally impaired. I'm not even kidding. Well, okay, I'm not really mentally impaired, it's just that I already do a LOT of stupid shit. I really shouldn't be doing more things to impair my judgement even more and just get me to do more stupid shit.
3. Drinking helps a lot of people become more outgoing and loosen up, I don't need that. I'm never really a shy person. It also helps a lot of people 'have more fun'. Fuck that, I already have fun dead sober. I already do wild/crazy/stupid shit, and the really stupid stuff... umm I think I'll leave that to the drunkards.
4. Smoking to me, is a fake happiness. While it probably does give you that really good feeling, I get that feeling from just being happy. Laughing, with friends, thinking about good memories. I don't know, I just never felt the need to make myself be happy. When I'm sad, I let myself be sad, it's okay, it's a part of life. Maybe it's a different good feeling that you get, maybe it's better than real happiness, but to me real happiness feels pretty good and I don't need anything better, or anything more. That's just me.


And honestly, I do not give a shit if you smoke or drink. Some people do need to do both in order to just generally be happier/have more fun what the fuck ever. I think it sucks to be dependent on that shit, but hey whatever, you do what you gotta do. Though I pretty much believe that most people aren't addicted to weed, it's just something to do and available and makes you feel good so why the fuck not. I think most people do things just to have more fun, and that's cool, go right ahead, but just don't pressure me into doing something I don't want to do.

What's funny, is that I love high people. They are my favorite people ever, haha, okay, maybe not, but you get my point. They are giggly, retarded, spaced out, dont have a clue whats going on, love love love you or at least talk to you more, and they are so fucking hungry. And... that's me in a nutshell, not high, just normal. I'm pretty compatible with people when they're high. It seems I'm attracted to potheads anyways. And I don't think I've gone a day in a very long time without someone asking me if I was high. It's just natural for me to behave that way, haha. If I smoked most people say I would chill out and just shut the fuck up for once, and why the hell would I ever want to do that. :P