maps & shit.

dawg. that is a map.

 

these are make believe triplets.

 

SHOOP.

oh hey windows live. are you necessary? probably not. oh well.

Two years ago.

I was sitting in a couch in the lobby of Sims, waiting for my friend Merrill.

I got a call.

"They took him off life support. Taylor has passed away."

I was paralyzed.

Shocked.

Couldn't move.

I sat in that chair and Merrill came out and I could barely speak.

All I could say was "Taylor's gone."

She knew I had to move, do something, besides sit in that permanent state of shock.

So we walked around campus, and I started bawling.

I cried, endlessly.

I ran into people who didn't understand.

I didn't really understand.

I still can't grasp that this happened.

Two years and I still feel like there's some way we could fix this, bring him back.

I know it happened.

I know we can't change it.

That doesn't change the fact that that sucks.

SO MUCH.

I pray for all those love him.

I can't imagine the pain.

I wish so badly I could do something for them.

I miss you Taylor. I miss your laugh, your smile, the way you always made me laugh.

I miss waiting for the elevator when we were late for class and you would be barefoot in your pajamas.

I miss pranks on each other's doors.

I miss talking about how much our lives sucked.

My car getting broken into, your wallet getting stolen.

Remember when you first met me?

I was dancing to Justin Timberlake in my room, my door was wide open and you knocked on it and cleared your throat.

Remember when you came into the bookstore when I worked there and you yelled at me for not having your book, but... I found it and there were plenty of them. HA.

Remember when I was studying and you and Jon both climbed into my bed and I had NO idea you were there and you scared the living shit out of me?

So many good times in such a short period of time. I wish I had known you longer. I wish you were still around.

It's funny that night of your accident when you came and hung out with us for a while after you left Sowjanya and I both said that we felt like we were all gonna be good friends. You were our favorite guy on our hall by FAR.

We would have been great friends.

You would have laughed like hell when you saw me on crutches.

You would have found a way to cheer me up.

I'd see you whenever I visit the boys. I never did get to hear you rap.

Heard it was effin fantastic, :P

Miss you kid. I'll be seeing you.

two years and i still found myself crying sunday night.

isn't it funny how the same things seem to happen around the same time every year.

fall break, kentucky game, a kick ass thursday game.

two years ago.. all of those things were combined.

yeah fall break was a week after that kickassthursday kentucky game.

but it was spent driving to a funeral.

so i'd say it ties with that night.

i guess i'll never forgot the pain of that night.

that week.

the months that followed.

it hurts just to think about it.

god i needed help during that time. i finally did what i needed to.

i cut myself away.

i walked away from the sadness, the hurt, and moved on.

it's still there. as sunday night saw.

it's just easier to close up and shut away now.

enough with sad news. exciting things are coming up.

tonight we get our wusc show assignment!, fall break is this weekend, trips to WU, possibly VA, and sarah/others will be in town!, next monday is distribution day for the Garnet and Black, Homecoming and my birthday are coming up!

so much fun is a-cominnn i don't know if i'm ready... okay I am. I'm so excited :)

It's weird.

I could go a week or so without talking to some people in my life, and they could care less.

I can be the same way, if I don't care whether or not I talk to them.

It's when I actively try to say communicate with people, and they blatantly ignore me.

That hurts.

And it doesn't seem like it really matters to some people.

That you would assume it does.

My type of personality attracts attention, I meet new people I make new friends I talk too much. I'm also the type of person that usually doesn't pay much attention to what other people think of me. But, I guess in a way, I do have to care because I want all of this attention.

Why is life so selfish?

Why am I always thinking about me?

Why, when I realize this, does it make me feel stupid... and therefore I'm still thinking about myself?

When things like this happen I blame myself, for being so weak so foolish so stupid to care.

I'm not supposed to. I don't.

Who would care about something so trivial?

It's idiotic.

I'm going to go finish my stats homework now.

So today in a car with a friend he was criticizing me for how badly I drive.

He said something along the lines of "I want to live, Melissa."

and I replied "I'm not afraid of death."

And he may think that I was kidding, but I learned a long time ago that I'm not.

This belief is bred purely from the fact that I'm way more afraid of being alone and having no one to turn to. This is selfish, but it's my one phobia, to be entirely alone. I don't want to be left without my family, my friends. I hate that kind of pain, the kind of pain of missing someone that will never, ever return.

It's a stupid horrible wound that once cut open, it never stops. The only thing that gets better is how you deal with it. And usually that's a long and strenuous process.

So, yeah, bring on the unknown, the good life, the other side. I'm down.

Just don't leave me alone.

P.S. Being sick is grody, my friends are all busy, my acquaintances don't want to be anywhere near me, and I always have a shit ton of nothing to say. So I start doing the thing where I talk too much to people I don't know, and they're just like... oh.. okay.. well.. yeahh.... Then I realize that I talk too much, and it would all be just fine if my friends weren't so busybusybusy! Cause then I'd just unload all my bullshit onto them, I know they love that :P

sick.

homework.

naps.

emotional breakdowns.

planning.

emails.

naps.

eating.

not studying.

that was my day.

I have not been outside once.

I feel like shit.

Emotionally and physically drained.

test in the a.m.

three classes after.

meeting.

blahhh, let's hope I get better soon.